We often make ‘people’ an existence of our impression on them. We develop a preconceived notion about someone, and judge them on that basis. We start judging people as early as when we meet them for the first time, by their appearance. We, then, base our judgements on the observation we make of their behavior. Remember, you only got to see a very small portion of who they are. It is too soon to tell. There is no need to feel so sure about knowing that person ‘in and out’ based on that very little knowledge.

The fact is that, it takes forever to understand and know a person completely. Ask my married friends how their better halves can surprise them even after spending what seems like forever together.

Have you heard someone go, “Oh I know her, she is kind of like ‘that’!”? kind of like what? You hardly spent half an hour around her at a birthday party of a mutual friend. She was in the living room and you were in the kitchen the whole time. You guys were practically 20 feet away from each other. How could you have possibly figured out “she was kind of like that”?

Okay, let’s say, you saw her again, this time you both were in the same room. Great! Did you talk to her? Oh yes! You said ‘Hi!’… Well, and also ‘Bye, nice meeting you!’ in the end! Fantastic! Now, when are you publishing her biography!

All I am saying is, realize that, what you know is very trivial. Do not fill the blanks with your assumptions.  May be you are right. But, what if you are wrong? Just give them the benefit of doubt.

You got two options here:

A. If you care about the person, how about trying to know them, instead of assuming the worst? Stop assuming and take an actual step to know them if you really care.
B. If you really don’t care, why not leave them alone, and go about your business?

As much reason as there is to think what you think about someone, there may be much more reason for you to change that. I am all in for being imaginative, but let that not be of ‘who somebody is’. If you feel creative, create a painting, write a poem, cook a dish, create anything that doesn’t already exist. Do not make your own fictitious version of a real living person.

While this is a horrible thing to do to a stranger. There are people who do it to friends. In this case, may be they know about each other a little more than those two who met at a birthday party of a mutual friend. May be, these two shared their childhood together, they know each others’ families, and more. But, come a minor gap, come a slight misunderstanding, they put that black gown on and go up to the judge’s panel.

We all try to stamp our opinion about people as labels on their heads, and want to see them as an existence of our opinions , “Arrogant”, “Jealous”, “Flirt”, “Big-headed”, and what not.
In our day-to-day routine, we make so many assumptions. If only there was a way to clarify. Well there is a way to clarify.. It is called talking it out. It is called ‘letting your ego not stand in the way’.

So when they don’t pick your call, don’t immediately jump to a conclusion ‘they are ignoring you’.
When they did not make it to your son’s birthday party, don’t decide that they don’t care anymore.

I agree there may be a point to why we feel so. If our genuine concern is them not being there. We would do something about that, instead of trying to stick that judgmental label on their heads.

Most of the time, when we grumble about how someone chose to ignore us, we are simply trying to make that person look bad and ultimately feed our ego. The worst part about this is, calling yourself someone who cares about them.

Usually this is the kind of people who would have a problem about anything and everything you do or say.
Nothing is good enough for them.
They are not willing to correct the prejudiced opinion they have about you. They are keeping count of what you did that wasn’t good enough. Oh, sure the good things you did are memories long gone.

Let’s say there has been a slight gap in communication between you and your friend/relative/cousin/whoever. You decide to take a step and message them after a long time. Can you guess ‘that reply’ that can make you regret why you even messaged them in the first place?
“Oh wow! You still remember me?”, or “So you finally found time for me” (or something similar).

Oh, the reverse of this happens too. They can go out of their way to make you look bad. You and that person haven’t spoken in a long time. After all that time, they decide to message you. Only, they didn’t want to message you to talk to you. They wanted to show off that they cared and YOU did not.
Guess what they start the conversation with. “Are you still alive?”, and then go on to, “Why no message at all?”, “very busy to talk to us?”, and more.
Their way of implying ‘you’ made no contact, and ‘you’ didn’t want to be in touch. Oh I see that pointing finger behind that text. What a knack in passing that ball of blame. You know how you should respond when someone asks you “Are you still alive?”, “I am mad because you did not show up at my funeral.” Just because you initiate the conversation doesn’t mean you are the one that always makes the effort! Please keep looking, I am sure there are better ways to feel good about yourself.

First of all. If ‘we’ haven’t spoken in years, it means you didn’t contact me too. It takes two to have a conversation and it takes two to not have a conversation also. Why bring guilt into play? What good does blaming do?
My problem is not with the words, but the attitude. A friend who really cares may start a conversation with a message like that too. But that friend who really cares would not try to make it about me. That friend would not emphasize on the long gap, and whose responsibility it was. That friend would move on to the present moment.
However this person, who is compelled to make a case that you invested your efforts in building the gap, is going to tirelessly try to make you sound like the bad one. As much as you try to steer the conversation to a positive and friendly note, they wouldn’t tread down.

Isn’t the point about ‘keeping in touch’ rather than putting a pin on ‘who’ went out of touch? Does counting mistakes and assigning blame make a better conversation than catching up on what you have missed out on?

Whatever happened to the good old “Hey, how are you?”. Would it be so hard to just start a conversation and talk normally, be it a small or a long gap. Is it really important to establish ‘who’ let the gap form and how? What is the point in making someone feel guilty?

If you actually think about it, they aren’t guilty of anything. If not feeling obligated to talk to you as a morning ritual everyday is ‘wrong’ in your court of law. Well then my friend, you and I live in two different worlds. Don’t make yourself a bigger person by making someone look small. You aren’t fooling anyone but yourself.

– Anu Shasti